It’s been three years today that our divorce was final and I never thought I would be writing you but a couple of things happened recently. The first one was that a friend asked me how I would feel if I had heard that you died and I responded that I would be sad. I have come a long way in forgiving you in order to feel that way. A couple of years ago I might have replied “good riddance” or the like, or laughed about comments made to me from friends about dancing on your grave. I certainly don’t feel that…and yes I would be sad. So it appears that there are things I need to say to you…and that is one of them.
The second thing was that a good friend is going through a divorce…her husband is in the midst of a sordid affair and they are divorcing because of it. I have been able to give her lots of counsel and be there for her in the middle of the night when she is going nuts, because, of course, I know what she is going through, as I have been there. And what I keep telling her is that it will get better…she will not always be in this much pain. When she comes out the other side she will find joy and peace again. However, it has stirred things up for me too…things have risen up from the depths to the surface. Old pains and bad memories have a way of doing that. It appears that I still have further to go on my journey to forgive you for everything. Some things are harder to forgive than others.
You will be happy to hear that my life is really good. I have the most love in my life I have ever had and am in good health. I have had a couple of really fun, very nice boyfriends and have been happily reminded that I am special. You made the comment to me our first year of marriage that I should divorce you and find a nice man and ironically that was probably the most honest statement you made to me in our years together. So yes, anyone I start a relationship with must first and foremost be nice. I know my worth and my standards are high. I don’t have any plans to get married any time soon. I am only going to get married one more time and I want to get it right next time so there’s plenty of time for that.
It might surprise you to hear that I don’t regret marrying you. I only have one big regret from our marriage and that is that I didn’t divorce you after I had kicked you out during the Ryan fiasco. The damage to our marriage was horrific and I never felt the same way about you after that. It should have ended there. I regret that, as I feel like all the years after that were a waste. I was miserable and you treated me so badly…..those are lost years for me.
You have mentioned that there was a specific moment in your failed marriages when you knew the marriage was over, even though in actuality they didn’t end until later. I had that moment in our marriage too. I knew it the evening that I had my panic attack and A-fib episode and how you treated me in the hospital ER. That was the moment for me. And it was compounded the next morning when you were so angry at me when you came to pick me up in the Intensive Care Unit. After you left in a huff my nurse came and sat on my bed next to me and talked about resources for abused women. It was one of the most humiliating moments of my life.
I am working towards forgiving you. I have made huge strides but there is still further to go.
My wish for you is that you figure out to treat the people in your life with love and compassion. Perhaps you need to forgive yourself first, and also forgive those who have hurt you in your past before you can get past your anger and make love the biggest priority in your life. My hope is that you are working towards that goal. While you can’t change the past or how you hurt me in so many ways you can go forward in your life and make a positive difference in the world. I believe that we should all leave the world better off for having been part of it. We all have a positive contribution to make. I know that there are many people who love me and will be truly sad when I die. I hope you can have those too. All the money in the world can’t buy you love. And in the end, love is all that matters.