The Way We Choose Our Truths

“We choose our truths the way we choose our gods, single-sightedly, single-mindedly, no other way to feel or see or think. We lock ourselves into our ways, and click all the truths to one. We put our truths together in pieces, but you use nails and I use glue. You mend with staples. I mend with screws. You stitch what I would bandage. Your truth may not look like mine, but that is not what matters. What matters is this: You can look at a scar and see hurt, or you can look at a scar and see healing. Try to understand.”

Sheri Reynolds,   A Gracious Plenty

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Penelope’s Petting Station

Penelope LOVES to be petted.  Her most favorite thing is to be petted while sitting about waist high to me.  Throughout the years she has figured out several places around the house that are just perfect for her.  Her first discovery was when we were still living in the 3-story townhouse.  On the landing just before the turn to the stairs was a ledge that was just the right height.  She’d station herself there to catch me before I went downstairs.  If she thought she’d miss me she’d hurry there and fling herself up onto the ledge, which was scary because if she was overzealous she could fly over the edge and down a full floor.  Nowadays her favorite spot is a ledge in the master bathroom.  When I walk in there she hurries ahead of me and scurries quickly up onto the ledge between the sink and the bathtub.  She gets very upset when I don’t pet her when she is ready to be petted.  We call it Penelope’s Petting Station.  She wants to be petted when I walk in the room.  She wants to be petted before I leave the room.  I could have just spent 5 full minutes petting her and she is ready for more.  It is not that she is needy or whines for it.  She just loves it so much she can always have more!

I was thinking about Penelope the other day and her neverending quest for loving.  Aren’t we just the same?  Don’t we always need more hugs, affirmations, validations?  Does it make us needy to always want more, or are we just built to love being loved? I read somewhere that we need 14 hugs a day to be emotionally satisfied.  That’s a lot of hugs!  My guess is most of us don’t get that many, unless we are blessed with children who hug a lot.  We need to hear that we are loved.  We need to hear it every day.  Yes, we heard it yesterday.  We still need to hear it today. We will need to hear it tomorrow. It doesn’t make us needy.  It reaffirms how much love we are capable of giving and receiving.  Hug someone today.  Hug 2 or 3.  Tell someone you love them.  Tell them tomorrow too.

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Heroines like to be alone or at least know how

“I read a romance in Mrs. Bath’s library once,”  Margaret said.  “The heroine was going to a dance alone.  I read quite a few romances when I was a girl.  I noticed that heroines liked to be alone, or at least knew how, but that life didn’t leave them alone.  Anyway, in this one romance, she was going to the dance alone.  She wasn’t downhearted about it at all.  Because she had a silk dress on. She liked how it felt against her skin.  She thought that wearing a silk dress, you didn’t need a dance partner.  It was already like dancing with someone, silk pressed against you, the two of you moving through the air.”

–Howard Norman,  The Bird Artist

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Matters of the Heart

I didn’t have big plans Wednesday night.  Finish watching Man vs. Food and then on to bed to read a sweet little novel about a bird artist in Newfoundland.  I certainly didn’t expect to end up staying overnight in the Critical Care Unit of our local hospital. But my heart had other plans for me. 

All of a sudden it felt like I was having an anxiety attack.  My heart was racing and fluttering.  However, this felt far worse than any panic attack I had ever felt.  Boom boom boom. My heart kept pounding and pounding. It was really scary! Off we went to the emergency room.  I was coughing and having trouble breathing at this point.  David was my emergency room nurse.  He liked to crack jokes.  The same jokes over and over.  Many about how HIS  A-fib (which is what it was determined was going on with me…Artial Fibrillation) led to open heart surgery and a year and half off work.  That’s really funny David.  Thanks so much!  They gave me medicine.  Lots of medicine.  My pulse was racing at 160.  Which is NOT good. They brought my pulse down to around 100 but my heart refused to go into normal rythmn.  It was stubborn and irregular.  Sounds like the kind of heart I would have, right?  Took lots of blood.  Decided at 3am to admit me overnight and put me on a continuous drip so my heart would finally flip to normal.  The other alternative was to shock my heart into behaving.

They wheel me down endless corridors and I am cracking jokes. Better to laugh than cry, is my motto.  I think jokes at 3am gets a little old though.  I heard one technician mutter to the other…oh…. she’s a joker.  Hey,  I could be moaning and whining.  Deal with it.  They wheel me into  the CCU…the lights are low and the walls are painted a deep purple.  It was like being transported into a Willy Wonka grape kool-aid testing station.  Many indignities followed but Adam my CCU nurse was incredibly caring and thoughtful.  The monitoring machine tested my blood pressure every 20 minutes in a valiant effort to make sure I didn’t have the audacity to fall asleep at any point.  FINALLY, at 8:30 am my heart flipped back to normal.  The cardiologist walked in at 8:33am.  I told him that if he had just gotten there 6 hours earlier my heart would have not waited so long.  9 hours, folks.  9 hours of a fluttering heart.  I had a heart-to-heart with the cardiologist (whah whah), they kept me there a few hours  more to make sure my heart stayed normal……and finally released me.  My day nurse, Sabine, gave me a hug.

So what does it all mean?  My father tells me he has had A-fib since about my age.  And he is 77 and very healthy.  It was most likely stress related.  I think it is a damn good excuse to start getting weekly hour-long massages.  As a stress reliever, of course.  I did get a chance to twitter from a hospital bed.  Yay me!  I know there is a message there in all this.  Still trying to figure it out.  I have been trying to eat healthy lately.  Maybe it sent my heart into shock.  Maybe I shouldn’t joke about it.  Maybe I should.  I feel pretty lucky.  One of my friends is in the hospital after having a great deal of her innards removed from cancer.  She has a long road ahead.  My prayers tonight go out to Frances and her family.  And a quick prayer of thanks for my own health.

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The standpoint of a middle-aged woman

“I found a good horse in a corral in Thirs Street; black, with white fetlocks, slender and well made, and with quite a good canter.  How different everything is from the standpoint of a middle-aged woman.  In the old days, when I might be starting on horse-back from some hotel, half the establishment would turn out to see me mount, while waiters would be running about with chairs; now I simply went to the corral, fetched the horse myself and hitched him up outside the Arizona Hotel, while I brought down my saddle and saddled him up myself, not a man standing by offering to lend me the slightest assistance or apparently taking the slightest notice of my proceedings; and when he was saddled I would promptly mount and ride away, nobody troubling themselves about me.  I must own I found this way much more to my liking, for if there is a thing I hate, it is being fussed over.  I enjoyed long rides into the desert.”

-Margaret Fountaine

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Ms. Suzy Homemaker 2010

I want to tell you about this crazy dream I had last night. I dreamed some of my friends entered me into a pageant as a joke. Not a beauty pageant mind you, because that would be just plain mean, but one of those Woman of the Year things that a major magazine was running. So somehow I actually was chosen as one of the contestants and I went because I thought the whole thing was pretty damn funny and since there was no way on God’s green earth I was going to win the thing I could just go and have fun and make fun of it all.

So here I am, surrounded by women in evening gowns waiting for the final competition. Not exactly a talent event but you had to give a speech or play a flute or whatever, all in hopes of winning. And your contribution had to be based around your “platform”, meaning whatever your motto was. So, because it was MY dream, I was one of three finalists! And I was scrambling big time to figure out what to do because I never figured I would make it this far.
In the meantime, the 1st finalist stepped up to the mike. She had BIG blonde hair and crinkly blue eyes and was wearing a bright yellow chiffon gown with rhinestones all over it in the shape of the sun. She played a cute little ukelele and sang the sweetest little song about how singing makes everything better and how her whole family sings together everyday and how inspiring it is to make up songs about everything that happens to you. Her platform was ” singing is love.” Get the picture? Totally gag-worthy.

The 2nd finalist is wearing a black evening gown and has ash smudges on her cheeks and arms and forehead. She gives a solemn speech about losing her house in a fire and how hard it was but she and her family were rebuilding their lives and everything was going to be okay and it was a good lesson in being grateful. It was a depressing speech, to say the least. Her platform was “perseverence and finding your strength.”

Now it is my turn. And I have no idea what to do. So I decide to do a rift about how to be Martha Stewart with a minimal amount of effort and I talk about all these short cuts in housekeeping and cooking and entertaining and I make it funny and I am KILLING it. I have on an evening gown that I have hot glued funny little things to and I go off on a tangent on appetizers and how to blow your guests away by putting cream cheese on a plate and covering it with pepper jelly and how they will think what a gourmet chef you are while you are smirking to yourself. My platform is “faking it and having fun.”

OF COURSE, I win. I wake up just as the tiara is being placed on my head. And I wake up laughing.

My 2nd dream was about Pierce Brosnan trying to get me to go on a date with him by giving me 100s of vintage valentines. I have no idea where that dream came from. I certainly can’t control what I dream about…….
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Why do we let little things defeat us?

It has been several months since I posted a new blog entry and it is merely that one small detail keeping me away. I had problems posting pictures to my entry. Could not make it work. And that detail alone stopped me in my tracks. I had it in my head that I couldn’t post an entry without a pic and that was that. Things got busy at the shop……and here we are months and months later. Why do I do this? Argh. Ok. So I need to stop beating myself up over this and start writing again. The pictures can come later, right?

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Looking at things through new eyes

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I have always loved Butchart Gardens passionately. Even as a child I was able to appreciate the heroic undertaking of turning an ugly stone quarry into one of the most beautiful romantic places on this planet. As an artist I’ve always loved the riotous color palette of the flowers and the artistic genius behind the place. But during my most recent visit I was surprised to have a new appreciation. It’s the first time I have visited Butchart Gardens since I have a garden of my own.

I have struggled valiantly to create an english cottage garden, and more recently a large rose garden, with the challenges of unwielding clay soil, northwest weather, and time constraints due to my hectic life. I now pore over seed catalogues and dream about greenhouses while I battle grasshoppers through nontoxic organic means. It made me see just how great an accomplishment Butchart Gardens really is. Growing all those amazing flowers in such healthy abundance. I could not stop taking pic after pic of flowers. Gorgeous flowers, all of which I wish I had in my own garden and could look at every day.

It also made me think of other things I’ve developed a new appreciation for, like being grateful for fully functioning arms and legs, after breaking my arm in 3 places last November.

I didn’t think I could appreciate my mom any more than the enormous amount I already do, until she helped me through the biggest emotional crisis I have ever faced a few years back. She had faced a similar crisis before mine so it was very hard for her to have to be reminded of her own pain while helping me with mine. She was so strong and supportive; it helped me recover much faster than I ever dreamed possible.

This summer I developed a new appreciation for my brother David after hanging with him during a weekend family reunion. He has always been one of my very very favorite people–top of the list– but I saw him with new eyes that weekend. He’s faced with many challenges, like the rest of us, but he’s someone who not only sees the glass as half-full, but filled with a delicious mimosa and a jaunty paper umbrella. He has THE most positive attitude towards life of anyone I have ever met, and that says a lot, as I’m blessed with many positive people in my life. He lives near Seattle; I live in Portland, so we see each other a couple of times a year and we keep in touch through phone calls, email, and yes, twitter. It really made me wish we lived in the same town so I could be around his inspirational viewpoint all the time. He is truly an amazing man.

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Goats on a Roof

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I don’t know how to feel about it. Bemused? Sad? Awestruck? Let me tell you a story.

Several times during my childhood my family would travel up to Canada for a summer vacation trip. We’d take the ferry over and spend a couple of days in Victoria before going up island to visit my aunt and grandparents who lived in the uncivilised (to us suburban kids) wilds above Nanaimo. There were several landmarks we were always excited to see, such as the bottomless lake, the Cathedral of Trees, and most especially, the Goats on the Roof.

The Goats on the Roof. A small mom & pop country market that was noted for having its long roof covered with grass with several goats living up on it. That’s it. As a kid, it was WONDERFUL. Vaguely reminiscent of Heidi and the swiss alps. Very exotic for a kid growing up in a tract house in California.

My husband and I celebrated our 10th anniversary this week and he took me to Victoria for my present. Lucky me! We have been to Victoria several times before but never ventured beyond its borders and I had a hankering to go up island again to see the old landmarks.

It’s been 17 or 18 years so I wasn’t even sure they’d all still be there, especially an old country market in the tiny country town of Coombs (population less than 2000) so imagine my astonishment when we saw a traffic jam around the market and almost nowhere to park. The market was literally swarming with tourists. The market itself had increased 3 times in size and now featured a cafe outside where you could sit and watch……you guessed it……the goats on the roof. My husband deemed it a tourist trap and chose to wait in the car while I ventured inside to discover a sophisticated international market any major city would find worthy of praise. Featuring large cheese and bakery counters as well as shelf after shelf of unusual pantry items from all over the world, such as biscuits from England, spices from Africa and more East Indian curries than I have seen anywhere else, and prominently displaying local products, like honey and jam.

It reminded me of the fabulous Bon Marche food market in Paris, albeit a much humbler setting with log walls and posts.

Is it a tourist trap? Depends on your definition. To me, a tourist trap sucks in tourists and has no redeeming value. If I wasn’t so in shock over the transformation I might have bought a great deal of goodies. I like bringing home interesting local foods from trips.

Was my childhood memory destroyed? No, not exactly. What was once a humble market is now a bustling commercial enterprise. They even have their own website. Www.oldcountrymarket.com. It’s actually pretty awe-inspiring. Good for them, I think, and now I know future generations of kids won’t forget their glimpse of the Goats on the ROOF.

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Milestone for Janelle

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Yesterday we went to Bath for the day. We decided to find a local pub for lunch and I teased Janelle that this was going to be the grand moment where her auntie bought her that 1st beer. She rolled her eyes in anticipation. At least I believe it was anticipation. It is quite fun teasing an 18-yr-old. In pubs you order your food and drink at the bar and pay for it and then they bring it to your table. You should have seen her face when I brought back ales for both of us. I chose a light-style ale thinking it would be more palatable for her. We’ll save Guiness for a later day. I made a big production over taking pictures of “the big event”. Her face was quite red by now. We then clinked glasses, said CHEERS, and she took her first sip. And grimaced. She gamely drank an inch or so and declared herself finished. She now has decided that she wants to follow in her fathers footsteps and drink a darker beer. She thinks she’ll like it better. So onto a Guiness!

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