When I came up with my word of the year in January I had no idea one of the things I would be releasing this year would be my marriage of 12 years. Things had not been good in the marriage for some time…but even as unhappy as I was, I wasn’t willing to entirely give up hope. It’s hard to admit defeat and walk away, especially when my commitment to the marriage had been absolute. I stayed, when many women would have walked away years ago.
This marriage has felt like a desert…where I wandered, alone, thirsty and seeking shelter. It’s lonely, being the only one in a relationship working at it. My brother recently told me he saw my marriage as me swimming upstream valiantly, with weights tied to my ankles. My mistake was marrying a man who had good intentions and too much baggage to carry through with any of them. He just didn’t have it in him to be a good husband. The final straw for me was when I had major surgery 2 months ago and he went off and played in a pool tournament out of town. That’s right…I came home to an empty house, after major surgery. This is not someone I could be married to any longer. Time to release.
The tragedy is that had things been a little different…we could have had a wonderful marriage. There’s a really good man there inside him…it’s the one I fell in love with 13 years ago. If he had been able to work through his issues from childhood, we would have had a chance. I mourn the loss of that marriage that could have been. When things were good…they were very very good. But the bad far outweighed the good…. and in the end it destroyed any chance we had.
Releasing the marriage means that the door will be open in the future, when I am ready, to meet a nice man who wants the same things from life that I do. Who appreciates the little things, and understands the importance LOVE plays in our lives. He will probably have some baggage, as do I. But he will have worked hard to make it play a small role in his life…not take it over. He will be kind…and show an enthusiasm for life and all it offers.
My marriage is over. I have released it. I will mourn…and move forward.